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you can find me on tumblr.

I haven't posted in a month...

lol

dang

but the truth is, between a full load of summer classes, work and single mommy action, I have very little time to blog any more... so I made a tumblr

where I post happy pieces of inspiration and pretty things

so if you want to, check it out at tumblr, start one and follow

http://heartofandra.tumblr.com/

Super Part II

sort of want to sleep. but sort of not.

so here i sit.

perusing the interwebz.

then i find this, and i giggle.

#best.

Super

"We don't need to be supermodels to know that the world is our cat walk. And we don't need super powers to be super women." - Katie

Roller Coaster Week Part II

Saturday I wake up to a still broken phone. I had accidentally spilled a little water on it the night before, but had let it dry out with hope it would be working in the morning. But no. And it also wouldn't let me look at any of my contacts, so I was pretty lost. I ended up buying a new phone for my little voyage to see Roman's dad, because obviously I can't drive two hours away without a form of contact! Plus, I had no idea where he lived and needed to get directions.

I then went and bought a few snacks for the drive, and a few odds and ends baby stuff that I never got but were much needed, ie; gas drops. And I decided to buy a father's day card, and a congratulations baby card, along with a bouquet of daisy's with a pretty wrapping around the pot.

I didn't hit the road til 1:15. The drive was not too bad and I didn't get lost... too much. Ha. Listened to the new Maroon 5 album which I absolutely adore.

The last time Roman say Brandon was Christmas, and before that only a hand full of times that only lasted at most 2 hours. He never really warmed up to him and was mostly very shy. I was worried today would be the same, but hoped it wouldn't because it would prove to be an unpleasant visit.

As we park, Brandon meets us in the lot and opens the door, greeted to a big grin from Roman. That made me smile. At first he was a little hesitant but we bribed him with a stuffed toy monkey for a hug and a kiss to Brandon. We even went to Brandon's place of work to introduce the babies to his co-workers. Where Roman got really shy, of course. Instead of grabbing my hand and hiding behind my leg, he does it to Brandon! I was shocked, literally. I was standing the same distance from him but he chose Brandon. I was glad though.

Roman liked seeing his new half sister, but mostly just enjoyed peeking over the bassinet at her sleeping. He wasn't up for holding her. Maybe because she was so small.

I was very happy that it was not awkward between Taylor and I. It was not awkward in any instance. It actually turned into a pleasant experience.

I was going to add pictures, but chose against it seeing as I don't know if they want their pictures published on the internet.

At the end of the day when we were about to head home, Roman got his cup and climbed up the couch and onto Brandon's lap and chilled out. It was pretty sweet.

On the drive home, I listened to Owl City and felt a calm content happiness. I hope our relationship between Roman's dad and new family will always be this way. It is important to me for Roman's sake.

Roller Coaster Week

In March, I found out that my son's dad (Brandon) was having another child with his now girlfriend. It was a pretty big shock for me, seeing how he has only seen ours a hand full of times in 21 months, (not without my lack of trying for him to be involved). The last visit was Christmas for a whole whopping hour. A few days later, a mutual friend of ours enclosed that their baby was due in June and was a girl. Needless to say, I experienced a mixture of emotions. Anger at him for not sharing those major details with me, but mostly a sort of despair. When we were anxiously awaiting to find out what our little peanut was, he made it very clear that he really wanted a daughter. I even remember some words come out of his mouth, "I'd rather a girl because she will keep me on my toes. If it's a boy, I won't really be challenged" What?? Okay whatever. The feeling that embraced me the hardest was that he was replacing Roman (son) and I with a new family, and getting it "right" this time. When we were together, he relapsed back into his drug addiction about the time I found out I was expecting. He didn't have a job and didn't care. I worked until I gave birth making minimum wage, trying to get all the hours I could, which still wasn't enough. We lived in a tiny apartment with his mom and step dad in an awful environment.

Now, he is clean. He has a job as a manager at a shoe store. Him and his girlfriend have their own townhouse. And now they are having a baby, a little girl. It hurt. The question kept popping up in my head, "How come we weren't worth it?? How come you couldn't, wouldn't, change for us?"

I dealt with it though, and didn't really focus on it for the following months. Last Wednesday, however, was a hard day. I knew that was the scheduled due date and it subconsciously put me in a slightly bitter mood. While working, I waited on a lot of families who brought their daughters with them, all in adorable summer dresses with matching bows. It was a constant reminder.

Brandon had asked before she was born if Roman and I would make a trip up there (2 hours away) to meet the new baby, Roman's half sister. I told him I would think about.

Friday, I called my friend and we discussed the pros and cons. She proposed I kill one bird with two stones, by letting Roman see his dad for Father's Day and meet his half sister all at once. I agreed it was a great idea. We then had a pep talk, how to not let it bother me seeing them as a family, at their own apartment.

It then occurred to me, that we are all where we needed to be. Had we stayed together, the abuse, physical for me, and addictive for him, wouldn't have ended. The vicious cycle would have continued, which would be an awful thing for Roman. By me leaving him was the first step to him spiraling down and hitting rock bottom. For me it was the stepping stone to a new beginning, the step in finding myself and my own inner strength that had been in hibernation my entire 20 years. It enabled in creating the strongest bond between a mother and son. Also enabled him in becoming clean. Which led to him bettering his life, which is a great thing because how he has another child, and hopefully this time he will do it right, and it was help in instilling a bigger passion in becoming more involved in Roman's life.

So, Saturday, we got ready and headed to meet the new addition to our semi family.

::I have to go to work, but stay tuned. The story of Saturday along with pictures to be updated later::

Living in a Song

The end of an emotionally riveting week for me, and the start of a beautifully uplifting beginning to anew.

Apologies for the lack of posts. Details to come tomorrow.

But tonight, I'd love to live in an Owl City song. For happiness to forever swell and expand in my soul.

source

"I don't need a telescope to see that there's hope,

and that makes me feel brave"

-Owl City