Roller Coaster Week

In March, I found out that my son's dad (Brandon) was having another child with his now girlfriend. It was a pretty big shock for me, seeing how he has only seen ours a hand full of times in 21 months, (not without my lack of trying for him to be involved). The last visit was Christmas for a whole whopping hour. A few days later, a mutual friend of ours enclosed that their baby was due in June and was a girl. Needless to say, I experienced a mixture of emotions. Anger at him for not sharing those major details with me, but mostly a sort of despair. When we were anxiously awaiting to find out what our little peanut was, he made it very clear that he really wanted a daughter. I even remember some words come out of his mouth, "I'd rather a girl because she will keep me on my toes. If it's a boy, I won't really be challenged" What?? Okay whatever. The feeling that embraced me the hardest was that he was replacing Roman (son) and I with a new family, and getting it "right" this time. When we were together, he relapsed back into his drug addiction about the time I found out I was expecting. He didn't have a job and didn't care. I worked until I gave birth making minimum wage, trying to get all the hours I could, which still wasn't enough. We lived in a tiny apartment with his mom and step dad in an awful environment.

Now, he is clean. He has a job as a manager at a shoe store. Him and his girlfriend have their own townhouse. And now they are having a baby, a little girl. It hurt. The question kept popping up in my head, "How come we weren't worth it?? How come you couldn't, wouldn't, change for us?"

I dealt with it though, and didn't really focus on it for the following months. Last Wednesday, however, was a hard day. I knew that was the scheduled due date and it subconsciously put me in a slightly bitter mood. While working, I waited on a lot of families who brought their daughters with them, all in adorable summer dresses with matching bows. It was a constant reminder.

Brandon had asked before she was born if Roman and I would make a trip up there (2 hours away) to meet the new baby, Roman's half sister. I told him I would think about.

Friday, I called my friend and we discussed the pros and cons. She proposed I kill one bird with two stones, by letting Roman see his dad for Father's Day and meet his half sister all at once. I agreed it was a great idea. We then had a pep talk, how to not let it bother me seeing them as a family, at their own apartment.

It then occurred to me, that we are all where we needed to be. Had we stayed together, the abuse, physical for me, and addictive for him, wouldn't have ended. The vicious cycle would have continued, which would be an awful thing for Roman. By me leaving him was the first step to him spiraling down and hitting rock bottom. For me it was the stepping stone to a new beginning, the step in finding myself and my own inner strength that had been in hibernation my entire 20 years. It enabled in creating the strongest bond between a mother and son. Also enabled him in becoming clean. Which led to him bettering his life, which is a great thing because how he has another child, and hopefully this time he will do it right, and it was help in instilling a bigger passion in becoming more involved in Roman's life.

So, Saturday, we got ready and headed to meet the new addition to our semi family.

::I have to go to work, but stay tuned. The story of Saturday along with pictures to be updated later::