Andra's Happiness Project

Since my first post, I've given a lot of thought to what my opinion of happiness truly is.
At first, I thought I had to walk around with a smile on my face at all times. I tried to erase anything negative. If an emotion came up of sadness, I quickly dismissed it and tried not to think of it again. I was masking all other feelings with a false happiness. I was mistaken. Ultimately, that won't make me any happier. Those emotions would just come up later but with more intensity. My mom explained that when an emotion comes along, just feel it. Then ask yourself why you feel that way, and give yourself an answer. Sometimes even after doing this, it comes back. I've learned not to get caught up in it, I realize I'm feeling it for a reason. It's a lesson in disguise, making me stronger and wiser every time. Which is something to be grateful for.

The sort of happiness I aspire for is that which dwells in my heart, lingers in my soul, resides in my thoughts, shines through my actions, and plays as a familiar melody around me.

Shortly after becoming a new mom and simultaneously enduring a heartwrenching break up, it felt like my life had become a train wreck. The entire first month of my sons life I walked around with a zombie-esque persona. Step, drag. Step, drag. Mindless routine, or lack thereof, of diaper changings and bottle feedings. I had been deprived of sleep, I was confused as to how my life had come to this, and honestly I was just very depressed to be alone. I remember saying, "I can't do this!" and bawling my eyes out un my moms bed, louder and longer than I have before, in front of my entire family. Not my proudest moment, but it needed to be done.

A few mornings after, I woke up on what seemed to be the first gorgeous day I'd seen in years. You know the type, early October, brightest blue skies, sun shining brilliantly, wind blowing with magic while whispering in your ear, all is possible if you just believe. The kind of day where Owl City and Angels&Airwaves is the obvious choice for your playlist. I sat up and felt happy. I went outside for a stroll and was unbelieveably overwhelmed with love. Love for my self, my son, my life, my planet, my whole world. Every thing I saw had beauty and I gazed in wonder. I felt like I was looking at everything for the first time, just as my son was. For the first time, my heart seemed to be smiling, my soul was breathing. My thoughts began to dance and sing, This is life, my life. This is living. I've been alive all this time but haven't been living. It felt comparable to what walking on a cloud would feel like, I imagine.

The light airyness of it all can leave quickly as it comes though, since it only lasted a few more days. The real world comes like a tornado in Kansas whirling you back into it's controlling vortex. Happiness, it seems so simple, yet so unattainable. That is what I'm out to find. The October sky, the little piece of heaven in my heart, the magic peace that stays in the background even while being spiraled through the twists and turns of the real world.